How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
