I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
