her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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