Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
