Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
