I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
