she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
