Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Less talking, more tequila
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
