That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
