Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
