woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't deserve a penis
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
