wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
