I was born with a shot glass in my hand
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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