Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
