just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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