how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if only i could text you this smell
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
