Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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