he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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