I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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