I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
