So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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