Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
