There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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