In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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