sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
