i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
