moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
