Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
