My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
