was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
