is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
