This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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