You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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