I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize