I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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