did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
id be glad to
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
