Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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