I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
