never play flip cup with pint glasses
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
