I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
