my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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