dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
