she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just had sex on a roof
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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