And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
