i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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