I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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