I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
