there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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