you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
