god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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