A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Let's get the cat blown out
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
