Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
