The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
