y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
