I feel like abortions should bother me more
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
