Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
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Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
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He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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