I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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