fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
