she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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