i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
