Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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