how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
