Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
