I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize