You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
