Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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