Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
