shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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